


Robb and Theon, Get Out of the Car!

by rougefox



Series: You Can't Go Home Again (For the Holidays) [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Explicit Language, Multi, Sevenmas Eve dinner, Smoking, Theon is a dick, chain smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 02:12:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8730820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rougefox/pseuds/rougefox
Summary: Robb Stark and Theon Greyjoy stall in the car trying to avoid Sevenmas Eve with the Stark clan.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays! I hope it is a pleasant one for you all. Or at least YouTube worthy :)

**Mid morning on Sevenmas Eve, in a midsize 7 year old sedan parked outside a palatial home siting on 20 acres of woodlands….**

 

 

“And you thought we would be late,” Theon snarled at his boyfriend from the passenger seat.

 

 

“Shut up,” Robb growled back turning the key and cutting the engine. “How was I supposed to know traffic wouldn’t suck?”

 

 

They sat in the slowly cooling car and regarded the empty driveway from a hiding place behind a hedge.

 

 

“We’re the first ones here,” Theon pouted. “I don’t want to be the first one here!”

 

 

“Oh calm down!” Robb snapped. “We’ll just wait till a few people show up then go in.”

 

 

Theon mumbled something before retrieving a black cigarette from the box in the glove compartment and fished a lighter from his suit jacket pocket.

 

 

They sat in silence passing the cigarette back and forth looking straight out the windshield at the unchanging empty driveway.

 

 

Theon broke the silence; “So is this the year you tell your mother I’m more than your roommate?”

 

 

“Oh for fuck sakes!” Robb blew smoke out his nose and laid his head back on the head rest. “Not this shit again!”

 

 

Theon didn’t drop it; “Your father knows, your sisters know, your brothers knows and even that little Kevin Smith wannabe stoner Jojen knows!”

 

 

“Why don’t you come out to your father then?” Robb snapped at him.

 

 

Theon let out a shrill laugh and took a deep drag off of the cigarette.

 

 

“We both know why,” he exhaled deeply and filled the windshield with smoke. “Because my father still refers to my sister’s boyfriend as a fairy because his hair is longer than Asha’s. Can you imagine what he would say if I told him I suck your co-“

 

 

“Oh look!” Robb interrupted, grateful for the distraction. “It’s Shireen and Davos!”

 

 

An old beat up pickup truck with a faded painted logo on the door pulled into the driveway. Out of the passenger side bolted a young woman wearing a fancy dark red velvet dress, stockings and flats. Her hair was pulled up, but a huge poinsettia bloom was affixed in her up-do to cover one side of of her face.

 

 

A young man in expensive clothes worn purposefully sloppy bolted out of the front door. He picked her up in an embrace before ripping the poinsettia out of her hair and kissing her. An older man wearing a shabby black suit turned grey from repeated cleanings exited the truck on the drivers side and broke up the two teenagers. He then ushered them into the house after ringing the doorbell.

 

 

Theon and Robb sighed in unison.

 

 

“They are freaking adorable,” Robb declared smoking the last of Theon’s cigarette.

 

 

“Doesn’t Davos have his own family?” Theon asked lighting a new one.

 

 

Robb crushed the dead cigarette into an ash covered soda can and replied; “Yeah, Mother said he was just dropping Shireen off and will collect her tomorrow. She’s staying in Sansa’s old room because her dad has to work and her mother refuses to participate in Sevenmas. She's on some religious retreat to Pentos or some shit.”

 

 

Theon blew smoke through his nose.

 

 

“Figures,” he snorted. “Stannis has probably got his secretary bent over his desk and his wife is somewhere watching shit burn while being screamed at. Thank the gods your family takes her in.”

 

 

“Speaking of strays,” Robb elbowed him and pointed to the beater car coming down the street blaring music with the bass turned all the way up. The driver was going way too fast and the breaks screeched as the car came to a stop practically parked on the lawn.

 

 

“Hundred dragon car with a thousand dragon sound system,” snickered Theon.

 

 

The car’s driver's side door opened and a cloud of smoke ushered out the driver. He was a short, skinny, blond haired teenager wearing a wrinkled suit and walked with a shuffle due to his pants sagging in the back. He took a drag on the rolled “cigarette” in his hand before grinding it under his heel and waving the residual smoke away from his face. Out of the passenger side stepped a brunette sporting a slicked back ponytail and a dark green pantsuit.

 

 

Robb stole the cigarette out of Theon's mouth and took a long drag.

 

 

“Meera looks nice,” he commented.

 

 

“Jojen looks like something someone pulled out of a drain,” commented Theon.

 

 

A young man leaned out of one of the upstairs windows and called down to the teenagers. Meera waved and yelled something back. Jojen blew a kiss. They shuffled up the lawn and into the house.

 

 

“Should we go -” Robb began to ask before the arrival of a white luxury car cut him off.

 

 

“Oh fuck,” he finished as his uncle Edmure and Aunt Roslin stepped out of the vehicle.

 

 

Davos came out of the house and stopped to chat with Edmure as Roslin retrieved an occupied car seat/baby carrier from the backseat.

 

 

“Dude,” Theon said as he handed Robb a cigarette and lit one himself. “I can’t believe he married your high school beard.”

 

 

“I didn’t know they would be here,” mumbled Robb as he dropped the dead cigarette in the soda can and lit the new one.

 

 

Theon turned to him and smiled; “Well hopefully he’ll sit next to Meera at dinner and we can have some fun watching them talk about the election!”

 

 

Robb did laugh at that and they watched Davos back his truck out of the driveway then speed off. From the opposite direction a dark green Subaru hatchback pulled up and parked in the newly emptied space. It sported a bike rack, a special cargo net to keep the dogs in the way back and a bumper sticker using the signs from all the major religions to spell out “COEXIST”.

 

 

“ _OH NO WAY!”_ Theon shrieked smacking Robb on the arm. “After last year’s Harvest Feast I never thought your cousin's girlfriend would ever set foot in your parent's house again!”

 

 

“Stupid election,” Robb mumbled and slumped in his seat.

 

 

From their hiding spot they could see a woman with red dreadlocks dressed in a loose paisley printed dress exit the driver’s side of the hatchback. From the backseat stepped a tall, dark haired man in slacks and a button up shirt. From the other side another red haired woman in a plain dress with a weak chin emerged. She wrestled a toddler out of it’s car seat and onto her hip. Out of the front passenger's side came a man so fat he had to rock himself out of the car. He gained his feet with little grace and tried to straighten his ill-fitting dress clothes.

 

 

“Aren't dreadlocks cultural appropriation?” Theon asked taking a drag off his cigarette.

 

 

“You should ask Ygritte,” Robb laughed.

 

 

“The fuck I will,” Theon snapped making Rob laugh harder. “Who’s the butterball and momma?”

 

 

Robb crushed out his smoke. “I’m pretty sure that’s Sam, a friend of Jon’s from work and his girlfriend Gilly. They met when Sam was volunteering at a battered women's shelter to earn brownie points with his boss.”

 

 

“Well la de da,” Theon sneered as he counted his remaining cigarettes. “Are the gas stations open on Sevenmas?”

 

 

“No,” Robb replied. “And none of the ones around here will sell those hipster Dornish smokes you love so much.”

 

 

Theon shook his head and mumbled, “Fucking back country hicks.”

 

 

Robb whacked his arm.

 

 

Theon perked up with an idea, “Hey! Did Jon tell his friends about Sandor and Sansa’s pups?”

 

 

Robb’s eyes grew wide. “I doubt it. We tend not to speak of the dangers of those little monsters to outsiders because no one will believe that anything that small could be that evil!”

 

 

“I bet you twenty silver stags we’ll be taking fat boy to the emergency room for a tetanus shot before pie,” Theon declared holding out his hand.

 

 

“After pie,” Robb said grasping his hand. “I don’t see that guy missing pie even if he had spent hours being chased through the woods by a trio of rabid wolfdogs!”

 

 

They shook on it and grunted in agreement.

 

 

“Speak of the devils,” Robb chuckled and pointed to the street.

 

 

A large, black, full sized SUV pulled up in front of the house. Out of the passenger's side stepped a tall, red haired, pin up worthy knock out wearing a little black dress and tall boots.

 

 

“Somewhere in Lys a hooker is missing her boots!” Theon whispered and Robb swatted him.

 

 

“That’s my sister you horse’s ass!”

 

 

Theon laughed. “Sansa looks good for having three wild animals claw their way out of her body!”

 

 

A huge man with a facial scar that ran from the crown of his head to his jaw rounded the back of the SUV. His long black hair was pulled off his face and he was dressed in slacks with a white oxford shirt. He paused to speak heatedly with Sansa.

 

 

“Your goodbrother has an ass as cute as a corgi chasing a butterfly through a daisy covered field.”

 

 

Robb swatted him again.

 

 

Theon cackled, then exclaimed; “Look it’s the Neapolitan Trio of Doom!”

 

 

Sandor Clegane kissed his wife and slapped her playfully on the rear before opening the back door to the SUV. Out came a little girl about the age of 8 wearing a flouncy white dress with a tulle petty coat and a black faux-fur coat. Her red hair was piled on top of her head in a curly up-do held together with snow flake shaped clips so shiny Robb and Theon could see them glittering in the grey light all the way from their hiding spot.

 

 

Next came a slightly younger little girl wearing an equally flouncy dress in grey with a canary yellow faux-fur coat. Her long black hair was styled up in a complex braid woven with a silver ribbon that ended in a fancy Christmas bow the size of a coffee mug on the nape of her neck.

 

 

As the little girls lined up in front of their mother for inspection, their father fiddled with something in the backseat and extracted another little girl who was young enough to still need help with her seat belt. She was dressed in a bright pink coat, a pink flouncy dress complete with white lace petty coat, pale pink stockings and pink glittery Mary Janes. Her blonde hair was pulled up in two perfectly curled pigtails with hair ties that sported large, fluffy, white faux-fur pom poms.

 

 

Sandor hoisted the girl onto his hip and she laid her blonde pig tailed head on his chest as if she was already done for the day.

 

 

“If I had not been the one who drove Gendry to the emergency room I would think those three were angels from the seven heavens,” Robb mused.

 

 

Theon nodded. “Is it true that Sandor goes to every one of their pageants?”

 

 

Robb nodded; “He sits in the back wearing noise canceling headphones then moves to the front row when they come out.”

 

 

“Is it really like Toddlers in Tiaras?”

 

 

“Oh my god yes! They have this coach, Septa Mordane who drills them on dancing and singing and even how to stand! But I guess it pays off, Catie destroys in her age group, Elinor kills at the talent portion and Sandy is so damn cute the judges just go “awwwww!” and give her a crown taller than she is!”

 

 

“With the money he’s bringing in I guess they can afford it,” Theon huffed.

 

 

“Yeah, I guess it pays to be a scary looking motherfucker in those Strong Man competitions. Did you know he made back 200% on his investment in that warehouse gym downtown? Who thought that a man who made his money pulling school buses down the street with his teeth would be so business savvy?” Robb observed.

 

 

Both men cocked their heads and huffed.

 

 

“So should we go in?” Robb asked.

 

 

“Not yet,” Theon replied. “Where’s Arya and that big bull of hers?”

 

 

Robb thought for a moment before replying; “She told Mother that she was spending Sevenmas with Gendry’s family this year.”

 

 

Theon scrunched up his face.

 

 

“That bitch! Gendry doesn’t _have_ a family Robb!”

 

 

Robb gaped; “What do you mean?”

 

 

“Last Sevenmas we were playing “who has the most fucked up family?” and he won because his parents are dead and he grew up in a group home in Flea Bottom!”

 

 

Theon settled back in his seat then added quietly, “Also Sandor told us to bugger off when we tried to get him join or he would have won.”

 

 

Robb didn’t hear him, he was frozen in his seat.

 

 

“ _That clever little shit!_ ” he hissed. "She played us all for suckers!"

 

 

“I’m going to give her a piece of my mind!” Theon snarled as he pulled out his phone and began furiously texting.

 

 

Robb was about to say something but a knock on the window interrupted him.

 

 

Jon stood outside the car, arms crossed.

 

 

“Come in both of you.”

 

 

Robb smiled weakly and opened the door. Theon sent his text.

 

 

“You both smell like an ashtray,” Jon said disapprovingly.

 

 

“Oh blow it out your ass, Targaryen!” Theon retorted. He opened up the glove compartment and rooted around for something to cover up the smell.

 

 

“I have some Axe in my gym bag,” Jon offered.

 

 

Theon rolled his eyes but Robb acquiesced.

 

 

“Oh god this smells like a Wildling's locker-room sprayed with lavender old lady house ass!” Theon complained as Robb sprayed him down.

 

 

“It’s your fault for smoking those stinky Myrish cigarettes,” Jon laughed.

 

 

“They were Dornish you uncultured, hatchback driving, trustafarian!” Theon snapped.

 

 

Robb sniffed his hair and wrinkled his face; “I’m sorry Theon, but you smelled better with the smoke!”

 

 

Theon shook all over then quipped; “Just call me Reek!”

 

 

In the forest they heard the tinkling fairy laughter of little girls, followed by the siren song of : “Come on Sam! Play with us in the woods!”

 

 

Robb nodded his head and declared; “Okay, now we can go in.”

 

 

**Meanwhile in a small apartment in a kind of sketchy neighborhood....  
**

 

 

_Margery; If Loras thinks he can get away with stealing my man he can go <bleep> himself in the <bleep>._

 

“God, what a bitch,” Arya said shoving a fried crab cheese wonton in her mouth.

 

 

Gendry nodded as he dug through a take-out box with his chop sticks.

 

 

_Loras; Margie might have been with Renly first, but I was there best! Yeah <bleep>!_

 

 

_Renly: Sometimes I think about telling them both to go <bleep> themselves._

 

 

“Did you eat all the shrimp and leave all the veggies?” Gendry asked glaring at his girlfriend.

 

 

Arya giggled.

 

 

Gendry gave her a hurt look, but she mollified him by giving him the last crab cheese wanton.

 

 

Arya’s phone buzzed from the coffee table, the vibrations threatening to upset the Sriracha sauce.

 

 

She picked it up and examined the message as Garlan Tyrell explained his sexist remark to the camera.

 

 

“What was that?” Gendry asked drowning his fried rice in soy sauce.

 

 

Arya barked out a laugh. “Theon just text me; " _You_ _ducking witch you need to get your assuming here right ducking now! No one gets to escape from family he’ll!"”_

 

 

Gendry fell over with laughter.

 

 

“Autocorrect strikes again!” he shouted.

 

 

“Happy Sevenmas my love,” Arya smiled.

 

 

“Happy Sevenmas, babe,” he returned as they clinked the long necks of their seasonal beer bottles together then kissed.


End file.
